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Bludgeon: Crucify the priest
16/08/04 || Lord K Philipson
Bludgeon sounds like a bunch of fucktards that had sex with Bolt Thrower, Sepultura, Deicide, Barney Greenway and a few others before recording the album. There’s no way in hell not to like the album title though, bonus points right away. If you have an incredibly ugly album-cover and release your album on Metal Blade Records, some more points might be added. But to fully please your favourite Lord, you gotta have something more than that.
“Gotta” might be the wrong word, as you could always bribe me with signed Alice Deejay posters. They didn’t do this, so prepare for the execution squad led by the Lord (actually I’m the only one in it, but I have plenty of bullets). Lord this, Lord that, fuck you too.
I guess Bludgeon has its moments, but it basically doesn’t say much. The CD oncludes good playing and good production (it was produced by the clown-shoe of the century, Joey DeMaio of Fagowar-fame). When taking up half the booklet (ok, that is an exaggeration, but I still say what I want) with bullshit-statements from DeMaio claiming that bassplayer E is “a monster on the bass”, it kinda gets a little bit too much right there and then.
Listen to this statement: “E – bass, vocals. Joey DeMaio has declared E a monster on the bass. The metal equivalent of being knighted by a king”. Then knight the fucker, but make sure his head falls off. I don’t give one brush of a corpsepaint about DeMaio’s opinions. Also the retarded introductions of the other members make me wanna take my coyote out, piss on them and then shoot them.
If you wanna impress me, look like Alice Deejay, myself, or suck dick like Jenna Jameson. Bludgeon does none of those things.
Boring mid-paced death metal is what your filthy cash will get you if you decide to purchase this disc. Sure, there are some good riffs here and there, but it’s just so incredibly (I almost put a “fucken” in there but decided to let it slide this time, won’t happen again) boring. The main riffs have no groove and the vocals are as boring to listen to as it is trying to explain them.
Then we have this half-grind thing that Deicide uses all the time that I think is one of the most forbidden drum-beats in the history of metal. It’s not a fast Haunted kinda beat and it’s not fast as grind either. If it’s fast you wanna play, play fucken fast, not this chicken-grind.
I don’t give a fuck about Bludgeon and Joey DeMayonaisse (I am so witty, shoot me now). The only reason they are getting this grade is becoz I am casually dating this beautiful chick that adores me and thinks TPH is the best band in the world, plus, I have heard worse. The opening riff is totally awesome though as it sounds so much like Boltthrower that my ass falls off, and it also is another example of bands putting the best shit first on albums.
What’s the point of sounding like a million other bands when you can sound like Dark Funeral?
4 /10
- Information
- Released: 2002
- Label: Metal Blade Records
- Website: www.bludgeon.tv
- Band
- Duca: vocals, guitar
- Alvarez: guitar
- Chewy: drums
- E: bass
- Tracklist
- 01. Smoke Screen
- 02. Idle Distinction
- 03. Torturized Through Lies
- 04. Zero Tolerance
- 05. Last Rights
- 06. Voluntary Manslaughter
- 07. Crucify The Priest
- 08. Abandoned
- 09. Bound
- 10. Inner Hell
- 11. Turmoil
- 12. Stained In Blood
